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JOHN MCCAIN
Everybody be cool, this is a
robbery!

SARAH PALIN
Any of you fuckin’ pricks move and
I’ll execute every one of you
motherfuckers! Got that?!

Obama looks up, not believing what he’s seeing. Under the
table, Obama’ hand goes to his .45 Automatic. He pulls it
out, COCKING IT.

JOHN MCCAIN
Customers stay seated, waitresses
on the floor.

SARAH PALIN
Now means fuckin’ now! Do it or
die, do it or fucking die!

JOHN MCCAIN
You Mexicans in the kitchen, get
out here! Asta luego!

BILL CLINTON
I’m the manager here, there’s no
problem, no problem at all –

JOHN MCCAIN
You’re gonna give me a problem?

He reaches him and sticks the barrel of his gun hard in the
Manager’s neck.

JOHN MCCAIN
What? You said you’re gonna give
me a problem?

BILL CLINTON
No, I’m not. I’m not gonna give
you any problem!

JOHN MCCAIN
I don’t know, Sarah Palin. He
looks like the hero type to me!

SARAH PALIN
Don’t take any chances. Execute
him!

BILL CLINTON
Please don’t! I’m not a hero. I’m
just a coffee shop manager. Take
anything you want.

JOHN MCCAIN
Tell everyone to cooperate and
it’ll be all over.

BILL CLINTON
Everybody just be calm and
cooperate with them and this will
be all over soon!

JOHN MCCAIN
Well done, now git your fuckin’ ass
on the ground.

Cash register drawer opens. John McCain stuffs the money from the
till in his pocket. Then walks from behind the counter with a
trash bag in his hand.

JOHN MCCAIN
Okay people, I’m going to go ’round
and collect your wallets. Don’t
talk, just toss ‘em in the bag. We
clear?

John McCain goes around collecting wallets. Obama sits with his
.45 ready to spit under the table.

John McCain sees Obama sitting in his booth, holding his wallet,
and presidency next to him. John McCain crosses to him, his tone more
respectful, him manner more on guard.

JOHN MCCAIN
In the bag.

Obama DROPS his wallet in the bag. Using his gun as a
pointer, John McCain points to the presidency.

JOHN MCCAIN
What’s in that?

OBAMA
My boss’ dirty laundry.

JOHN MCCAIN
You boss makes you do his laundry?

OBAMA
When he wants it clean.

JOHN MCCAIN
Sounds like a shit job.

OBAMA
Funny, I’ve been thinkin’ the same
thing.

JOHN MCCAIN
Open it up.

OBAMA
‘Fraid I can’t do that.

John McCain is definitely surprised by his answer. He aims the
gun right in the middle of Obama’s face and pulls back the
hammer.

SARAH PALIN
What’s goin’ on?

JOHN MCCAIN
Looks like we got a vigilante in
our midst.

SARAH PALIN
Shoot ‘em in the face!

OBAMA
I don’t mean to shatter your ego,
but this ain’t the first time I’ve
had a gun pointed at me.

JOHN MCCAIN
You don’t open up that presidency, it’s
gonna be the last.

BILL CLINTON
(on the ground)
Quit causing problems, you’ll get
us all killed! Give ‘em what you
got and get ‘em out of here.

OBAMA
Keep your fuckin’ mouth closed, fat
man, this ain’t any of your goddamn
business!

JOHN MCCAIN
I’m countin’ to three, and if your
hand ain’t off that presidency, I’m gonna
unload right in your fuckin’ face.
Clear? One…two…three.

OBAMA
You win.

Obama raises his hand off the presidency.

OBAMA
It’s all yours, Ringo.

JOHN MCCAIN
Open it.

Obama flips the locks and opens the presidency, revealing it to
John McCain but not to us. The same light SHINES from the presidency.
John McCain’s expression goes to amazement. Sarah Palin, across
the room, can’t see shit.

SARAH PALIN
What is it? What is it?

JOHN MCCAIN
(softly)
Is that what I think it is?

Obama nods his head: “yes.”

JOHN MCCAIN
It’s beautiful.

Obama nods his head: “yes.”

SARAH PALIN
Goddammit, what is it?

Obama SLAMS the presidency closed, then sits back, as if offering
the presidency to John McCain. John McCain, one big smile, bends over to
pick up the presidency.

Like a rattlesnake, Obama’ free hand GRABS the wrist of
John McCain’s gun hand, SLAMMING it on the table. His other hand
comes from under the table and STICKS the barrel of his .45
hand under John McCain’s chin.

Sarah Palin freaks out, waving his gun in Obama’ direction.

SARAH PALIN
Let him go! Let him go! I’ll blow
your fuckin’ head off! I’ll kill
ya! I’ll kill ya! You’re gonna
die, you’re gonna fuckin’ die bad!

OBAMA
(to John McCain)
Tell that bitch to be cool! Say,
bitch be cool! Say, bitch be cool!

JOHN MCCAIN
Chill out, honey!

SARAH PALIN
Let him go!

OBAMA
(softly)
Tell her it’s gonna be okay.

JOHN MCCAIN
I’m gonna be okay.

OBAMA
What’s her name?

JOHN MCCAIN
Sarah.

Whenever Obama talks to Sarah, he never looks at her, only
at John McCain.

OBAMA
(to Sarah)
So, we cool Sarah? We ain’t
gonna do anything stupid, are we?

SARAH PALIN
(crying)
Don’t you hurt him.

OBAMA
Nobody’s gonna hurt anybody.

OBAMA
We’re gonna be cool.
(to John McCain)
Now Ringo, I’m gonna count to three
and I want you to let go your gun
and lay your palms flat on the
table. But when you do it, do it
cool. Ready?

John McCain looks at him.

OBAMA
One…two…three.

John McCain lets go of his gun and places both hands on the table.
Sarah can’t stand it anymore.

SARAH PALIN
Okay, now let him go!

OBAMA
Sarah, I thought you were gonna
be cool. When you yell at me, it
makes me nervous. When I get
nervous, I get scared. And when
motherfuckers get scared, that’s
when motherfuckers get accidentally
shot.

SARAH PALIN
(more conversational)
Just know: you hurt him, you die.

OBAMA
That seems to be the situation.
(to Ringo)
Now this is the situation.
Normally both of your asses would
be dead as fuckin’ fried chicken.
But you happened to pull this shit
while I’m in a transitional period.
I don’t wanna kill ya, I want to
help ya. But I’m afraid I can’t
give you the presidency. It don’t belong
to me. Besides, I went through too
much shit this morning on account
of this presidency to just hand it over
to your ass.

JOE BIDEN
(Enters Scene)
What the fuck’s goin’ on here?

Sarah WHIPS her gun toward the stranger.

JOE BIDEN, by the bathroom, has his gun out, dead-aimed at
Sarah.

OBAMA
It’s cool, Joe Biden! It’s cool!
Don’t do a goddamn thing. Sarah,
it’s cool baby, nothin’s changed.
We’re still just talkin’,
(to John McCain)
Tell her we’re still cool.

JOHN MCCAIN
It’s cool, Sarah Palin, we’re still
cool.

JOE BIDEN
(gun raised)
What the hell’s goin’ on, Obama?

OBAMA
Nothin’ I can’t handle. I want you
to just hang back and don’t do shit
unless it’s absolutely necessary.

JOE BIDEN
Check.

OBAMA
Sarah, how we doin, baby?

SARAH PALIN
I gotta go pee! I want to go home.

OBAMA
Just hang in there, baby, you’re
doing’ great, Ringo’s proud of you
and so am I. It’s almost over,
(to John McCain)
Now I want you to go in that bag
and find my wallet.

JOHN MCCAIN
Which one is it?

OBAMA
It’s the one that says Bad
Motherfucker on it.

————-

Here’s a refresher of the actual scene:

Tags: Pulp Fiction, Screenplay